I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
