Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
