He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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