did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
