He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize