I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
