Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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