What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
