i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
