there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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