my phone needs a breathalizer
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
