There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
