Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
