i think my tv is drunk
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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