i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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