She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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