she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
