I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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