I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sext me about skeletons
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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