Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
