Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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