So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
you made out with another girl for some wings
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
