If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
