capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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