My sheets look like a crime scene.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
