hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
