I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
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