Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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