a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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