i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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