i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
