Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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