11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
