If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
