I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
