just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
