If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
