I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize