I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize