he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
