Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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