My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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