Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
