What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
