i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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