I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
