Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
