Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm at about main and main street
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Randomize
