Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
