Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
