Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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