I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
