also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
