She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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