i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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