have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
