my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize