Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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