If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize