Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
