i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
