I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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