I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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