Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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