At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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